$#@! that I found in my house without using a metal detector

**Mitch Cumsteen** · 03-12-2012 03:50 PM

In the potentially disastrous event that my wife somehow, God forbid, finds this thread, I need to issue the following disclaimer:

++++++++++
Dear Mrs. $#@!steen,

I love the home that you have created for me and our wonderful children. It is cozy and beautiful, and it makes me feel at peace whenever I come home. You are a brilliant woman with unsurpassed taste and style. Obviously, if you deconstruct the individual elements that comprise the overall decor of our home, each piece when viewed in a vacuum could be perceived in a less than flattering light. Except that $#@!ing egg and the goddamn birdcage. Those are $#@!ing horrible no matter what. Nonetheless, I actually do like our home and most of the crap that you have covered it in.

Love always,
Mitch
++++++++++++++

For the sake of completeness, I'm re-posting what was already in the "wives" thread.

Paper Mache Egg with Ribbons and Bows and $#@!

Interpretation: If the egg is a symbol of life, why does this make me want to kill myself?
Wife's Explanation: It was the last one left. They don't make them anymore because people keep stealing them. Look how I mounted it... I used two of those plastic tie down things. Nobody is taking that sucker down.

Birdcage with Fake Flowers and Fake Birds

Interpretation: $#@! you, Garden Ridge pottery. I would burn you to the ground if I could.
Wife's Explanation: This is going to look so good in our little girl's room. I just want it to be whimsical and different in there.

Demented Pig Eating Watermelon

Interpretation: Am I the pig, or am I the watermelon? I clearly missed the obvious cops/racism thing going on (cap tip to BurntEyes and Brisket for their brilliant analyses) but that $#@!ing pig still weirds me out.
Wife's Explanation: It is just so bizarre and freaky. I stared at it for hours in the store. I just had to buy it.

**ERhine** · 03-12-2012 03:54 PM

This should be good.

**TOR** · 03-12-2012 03:55 PM

I would just burn the place down while the kids were at school. But then I'm rather reactionary.

**AussieHorn** · 03-12-2012 03:56 PM

Fantastic work, Mr $#@!steen. I look forward to your further additions in this thread.

Mr $#@!steen, I also applaud your doff of the cap in the general direction of King Neptune's great thread. That thread is one of my favourites on here. This one has the potential to match, if not exceed it.

**miguelito** · 03-12-2012 04:02 PM

**MNLonghorn10** · 03-12-2012 04:04 PM

theres gotta be more mitch

**Hefeweizen** · 03-12-2012 04:06 PM

I love it. Just incredible how bad some of that $#@! is.

**EE2B** · 03-12-2012 04:07 PM

Subscribed....

**Duck of Death** · 03-12-2012 04:08 PM

can we have a physical representation of the pissed off wife spends some time in the cop car story

**JSB** · 03-12-2012 04:09 PM

same boat here. I may have to contribute to this thread, if I can avoid the eminent "why are you taking pictures of XYZ" comments

**SBBruin** · 03-12-2012 04:10 PM

That egg screams M-80.

**HornsN04** · 03-12-2012 04:14 PM

That egg looks like the Easter Bunny took a gigantic $#@! on your porch.

**Mitch Cumsteen** · 03-12-2012 04:16 PM

Incan/Mayan Dudes Playing Grabass

This thing has probably been up in my house for more than 5 years. I never once noticed it until I started looking around for $#@! to put on this thread. Literally, it was the first thing I saw. I had to turn my head less than 90 degrees from the computer screen before finding this gem.

I'm so unwashed that I don't know what the proper term for this is... is it called a relief? Whatever, it's like a sculpture on a canvas. I believe the kids today call it: 3D.

Interpretation: I have no $#@!ing clue what is going on here, but the guy in back reminds me of Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley when he would make those weird gyrations whenever he and Lenny would see a hot chick. I can't tell if he is cupping his own balls, or going to get a piece of the big cat in front of him. This is probably some reproduction of a famous Mayan or Incan artifact, but for the life of me, I just can't get the phrase "power bottom" out of my head when I see this.

**misslaw** · 03-12-2012 04:19 PM

Subscribed!

**pescado_rojo** · 03-12-2012 04:20 PM

Apparently, Mitch is my step-dad....

**GSU&UT** · 03-12-2012 04:22 PM

Holy hell, that egg is terrible.

**TOR** · 03-12-2012 04:23 PM

I never met Mitch but I will mourn his passing once this $#@! is found out. He stomped on the terra. RIP, man.

**Biff Tannen** · 03-12-2012 04:23 PM

in before classics. man, i'm excited for this thread. so much potential

**retread** · 03-12-2012 04:24 PM

Subscribed also!

**MNLonghorn10** · 03-12-2012 04:25 PM

Originally Posted by Mitch $#@!steen

Incan/Mayan Dudes Playing Grabass

This thing has probably been up in my house for more than 5 years. I never once noticed it until I started looking around for $#@! to put on this thread. Literally, it was the first thing I saw. I had to turn my head less than 90 degrees from the computer screen before finding this gem.

I'm so unwashed that I don't know what the proper term for this is... is it called a relief? Whatever, it's like a sculpture on a canvas. I believe the kids today call it: 3D.

Interpretation: I have no $#@!ing clue what is going on here, but the guy in back reminds me of Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley when he would make those weird gyrations whenever he and Lenny would see a hot chick. I can't tell if he is cupping his own balls, or going to get a piece of the big cat in front of him. This is probably some reproduction of a famous Mayan or Incan artifact, but for the life of me, I just can't get the phrase "power bottom" out of my head when I see this.

**Bill Brasky** · 03-12-2012 04:29 PM

in before classics......

**Ruffian** · 03-12-2012 04:32 PM

I'm ecstatic about this thread finally happening! Mitch, you are a funny $#@!, and your wife is weird. + rep

**fawnknutsen** · 03-12-2012 04:41 PM

excellent

**Underdog** · 03-12-2012 04:44 PM

The furniture is covered in plastic, has to be.

**TOR** · 03-12-2012 04:46 PM

Originally Posted by Underdog

The furniture is covered in plastic, has to be.

You never know when the Pope will stop by to visit.

**BurntEyes** · 03-12-2012 04:54 PM

I feel as if I have no choice but to be a part of this thread. That's not saying I wouldn't want to be, but someone MUST interpret these works of art that Mitch's wife has strewn about. I'll be damn if I'm gonna let Brisket have all the fun.

Officially Subscribed/9.95 mailed

**horn05** · 03-12-2012 04:55 PM

Originally Posted by fawnknutsen

excellent

eggcellente!

**ldogg53** · 03-12-2012 05:02 PM

get drunk and treat the egg like a pinata...

**CO_Gator** · 03-12-2012 05:04 PM

Originally Posted by Mitch $#@!steen

Paper Mache Egg with Ribbons and Bows and $#@!

Wait, that abomination is on the OUTSIDE of your house? Where people can see it? Ooof.

**BurntEyes** · 03-12-2012 05:10 PM

Originally Posted by Mitch $#@!steen

Incan/Mayan Dudes Playing Grabass

This thing has probably been up in my house for more than 5 years. I never once noticed it until I started looking around for $#@! to put on this thread. Literally, it was the first thing I saw. I had to turn my head less than 90 degrees from the computer screen before finding this gem.

I'm so unwashed that I don't know what the proper term for this is... is it called a relief? Whatever, it's like a sculpture on a canvas. I believe the kids today call it: 3D.

Interpretation: I have no $#@!ing clue what is going on here, but the guy in back reminds me of Squiggy from Laverne and Shirley when he would make those weird gyrations whenever he and Lenny would see a hot chick. I can't tell if he is cupping his own balls, or going to get a piece of the big cat in front of him. This is probably some reproduction of a famous Mayan or Incan artifact, but for the life of me, I just can't get the phrase "power bottom" out of my head when I see this.

You are correct that some might consider this a relief and technical it could be considered as such. However, the stark reality is that it is in reality, simply a carving, as there is no allusion, other than the mounting upon what appears to be velvet, but the "Original Artist" to provide anything other than a portrait. In other words, when created (not recreated) the artist intentions were not to provide a "Painting" that has a third dimensional characteristic rather, "sculpture" if you will, was the medium itself. Additionally, that is CLEARLY Inca art, and if my Incan art history serves me, I am fairly certain that is Pachamac, the God of the earth. He was a particular favorite amongst the Peruvians and the chosen god. Based on the art style, I feel confident that this was reconstructed from a Peruvian piece and the follower is actually praying to the land god to provide. Hence the open hand.

**Brisketexan** · 03-12-2012 05:27 PM

In a PERHAPS unrelated story, my son was captivated by the following painting in a booth at the mercado in SA this weekend.

"Wow, dad...that's a cool painting. I'd really like that for my room" -

So, what I'm saying is...based on their shared interest in ridiculous $#@! that can be found in the greater San Antonio area...maybe your wife and my son oughta, uh, you know, get together and talk decor and stuff.

**Horn_Spanker** · 03-12-2012 05:31 PM

Why's that pig getting into a new melon when he has a perfectly good slice behind him? $#@!ing pigs.

Bernard

**No-Tox** · 03-12-2012 05:32 PM

You need to call up Chad and get your wife some scentsy $#@!. Of course, tell him I sent you so I get some commission.

**hlh** · 03-12-2012 06:00 PM

Originally Posted by Brisketexan

In a PERHAPS unrelated story, my son was captivated by the following painting in a booth at the mercado in SA this weekend.

"Wow, dad...that's a cool painting. I'd really like that for my room"

So, what I'm saying is...based on their shared interest in ridiculous $#@! that can be found in the greater San Antonio area...maybe your wife and my son oughta, uh, you know, get together and talk decor and stuff.

Brisket, the testosterone is kicking in. Have you had "the talk"?

**Orange&White** · 03-12-2012 06:02 PM

That egg is begging for a shotgun blast where it hangs.

I'd pay a kid in the vicinity to come beat it with a bat. Then you can act upset to your wife and say, "It's such a shame that was the last one".

But I am thinking that posting this on shaggy under these circumstances was a passive aggressive attempt to have her take it down on her own.

Good luck. We're all counting on you.

**jimmyjazz** · 03-12-2012 06:05 PM

The eagle is righteous.

**ihateowho** · 03-12-2012 06:09 PM

Originally Posted by BurntEyes

You are correct that some might consider this a relief and technical it could be considered as such. However, the stark reality is that it is in reality, simply a carving, as there is no allusion, other than the mounting upon what appears to be velvet, but the "Original Artist" to provide anything other than a portrait. In other words, when created (not recreated) the artist intentions were not to provide a "Painting" that has a third dimensional characteristic rather, "sculpture" if you will, was the medium itself. Additionally, that is CLEARLY Inca art, and if my Incan art history serves me, I am fairly certain that is Pachamac, the God of the earth. He was a particular favorite amongst the Peruvians and the chosen god. Based on the art style, I feel confident that this was reconstructed from a Peruvian piece and the follower is actually praying to the land god to provide. Hence the open hand.

It mostly looks like the little one in back goosed the other one.

**TeddyKGB** · 03-12-2012 06:30 PM

I bet Mitch would pay good money for a shagster to come by and destroy that egg. I would if I were him; actually I'd probably smash it myself and blame it on the most obnoxious kid in the neighborhood.

**mileslong** · 03-12-2012 06:30 PM

for a fee, i will ninja myself into your backyard and take care of that egg for you, victimless crime really...

**Mr. Peabody** · 03-12-2012 06:30 PM

Thread fail without photos of Mrs. $#@!steen

**Kyrie Eleison** · 03-12-2012 06:43 PM

Found Toadenkhamen once...

**AZCats** · 03-12-2012 06:54 PM

That was at Mitch's house?

**NotActuallyALonghorn** · 03-12-2012 06:57 PM

Originally Posted by Kyrie Eleison

Found Toadenkhamen once...

Ha, when I bought my house there was one of those sitting on the downstairs bathroom countertop. It's still there.

**NotActuallyALonghorn** · 03-12-2012 06:57 PM

Also, I'm kinda partial to the pig painting.

**hullabelew** · 03-12-2012 06:59 PM

Mitch...I'm opening the bidding on the Watermelon-Pig prize at 25 amero

**Underdog** · 03-12-2012 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by TOR

You never know when the Pope will stop by to visit.

The Pope? Or Poppi?

**judge roybeanbag** · 03-12-2012 07:28 PM

PM EvilCaseMcCoy. He can complete your collection.

**tigolbiddies** · 03-12-2012 07:58 PM

[QUOTE=Brisketexan;3770642]In a PERHAPS unrelated story, my son was captivated by the following painting in a booth at the mercado in SA this weekend.

"Wow, dad...that's a cool painting. I'd really like that for my room" -

WANT.

Also, subscribed.

Them Incas is gay.

**lowery21** · 03-12-2012 08:04 PM

Your son is a Patriot.

**CowboyFred** · 03-12-2012 08:11 PM

inLOKO

CAN'T WAIT

I have an aunt(tia) that lives in Maryland that I swear her passion is going to garage sales and buying the $#@! out of stuff like this. If my uncle(tio) wasnt such a prick I'd feel bad, $#@! him.

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