In the potentially disastrous event that my wife somehow, God forbid, finds this thread, I need to issue the following disclaimer:
Dear Mrs. $#@!steen,
I love the home that you have created for me and our wonderful children. It is cozy and beautiful, and it makes me feel at peace whenever I come home. You are a brilliant woman with unsurpassed taste and style. Obviously, if you deconstruct the individual elements that comprise the overall decor of our home, each piece when viewed in a vacuum could be perceived in a less than flattering light. Except that $#@!ing egg and the goddamn birdcage. Those are $#@!ing horrible no matter what. Nonetheless, I actually do like our home and most of the crap that you have covered it in.
For the sake of completeness, I'm re-posting what was already in the "wives" thread.
Paper Mache Egg with Ribbons and Bows and $#@!
Interpretation: If the egg is a symbol of life, why does this make me want to kill myself?
Wife's Explanation: It was the last one left. They don't make them anymore because people keep stealing them. Look how I mounted it... I used two of those plastic tie down things. Nobody is taking that sucker down.
Birdcage with Fake Flowers and Fake Birds
Interpretation: $#@! you, Garden Ridge pottery. I would burn you to the ground if I could.
Wife's Explanation: This is going to look so good in our little girl's room. I just want it to be whimsical and different in there.
Demented Pig Eating Watermelon
Interpretation: Am I the pig, or am I the watermelon? I clearly missed the obvious cops/racism thing going on (cap tip to BurntEyes and Brisket for their brilliant analyses) but that $#@!ing pig still weirds me out.
Wife's Explanation: It is just so bizarre and freaky. I stared at it for hours in the store. I just had to buy it.