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Thread: Man tests new taser on himself

  1. #1

    Man tests new taser on himself

    Saw this posted on a gun board:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it agains t a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumfer ence; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head $#@!ed to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .

    WHAT THE H+LL!!!

    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

    IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

    Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my n+ts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


    P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

  2. #2
    asshat Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? Duck of Death's Avatar
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    if a guy buys a taser for an anniversary present, he's obviously stupid enough to try it out on himself. also, his description of his bottom lip made me think of this:

    [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XBqY6cJD3CE[/youtube]

  3. #3
    asshat Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84 can play the whole course with a 4 iron. At night. Rigo84's Avatar
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    Greatness, but this is why video cameras and youtube were invented. You missed your opportunity at your 15 minutes of fame

  4. #4
    asshat orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2 slams and goes hard. orangeuahorn2's Avatar
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    I'm surprised it took this long for that story to make it from an over-circulated e-mail to a message board.

    Here's another one... that's actually funny.



    Texas Chili Cook Off


    INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE

    Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting
    Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
    moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking
    directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

    I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
    wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free
    beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    __________________________________________________ _______

    CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

    JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

    FRANK: Holy $#@!, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
    paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
    that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

    __________________________________________________ _______

    CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

    JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
    seriously.

    FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
    supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
    give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
    saw the look on my face.
    __________________________________________________ ________

    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

    FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
    have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
    beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
    in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $#@!-faced from all the beer.
    __________________________________________________ __________

    CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

    JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

    JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
    other mild foods, not much of a chili.

    FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
    taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
    standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
    look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
    aphrodisiac?

    __________________________________________________ _____

    CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

    JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
    considerable kick. Very Impressive.

    JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
    the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

    FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
    no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
    paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
    had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
    It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    Screw those rednecks!
    __________________________________________________ ______

    CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

    JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
    and peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
    Superb.

    FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
    sulfuric flames. I $#@! myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
    through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
    slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
    anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
    __________________________________________________ _

    CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

    JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
    chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
    about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
    cursing uncontrollably.

    FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
    feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
    it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
    unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like $#@! to match my
    damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
    decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
    any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
    hole in my stomach.
    __________________________________________________ __

    CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
    not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

    JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
    hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
    out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
    if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
    really hot chili?

  5. #5
    asshat simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? simihorn's Avatar
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    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Obviously not written by a real Texan.

  6. #6
    asshat cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn might be a clever chap. or know the right people. know what i mean, nudge nudge? cajunhorn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by simihorn
    CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

    JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

    JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Obviously not written by a real Texan.
    <Ron White>An old Mexican boy could come up here with a goat and an onion and kick your ass. Hell, he'd wouldn't even need a car to get here he'd just ride the goat. Of course, he'd need a ride back. Can't ride home on a bowl of goat. I've always said that<Ron White>

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