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Thread: Marriage Counselor: Arguing? You should separate.

  1. #1
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    Marriage Counselor: Arguing? You should separate.

    My cousin and his wife met 8 years ago. They dated, lived together, and have been married for 3.5 years. During this time, they seemed happy, he took care of the finances while she laid off, didn't really pressure her to take a job, he took her out on dates that would make most women jealous, and they took trips around the world 1-2 times a year. My cousin is pretty laid back, nothing really bothers him, from what I know about them, they hardly fought at all. Likewise, his wife is pretty laid back as well, and together they seemed the happiest amongst all the cousins and their spouses.

    9 months ago, she started saying she was unhappy, claiming my cousin wasn't opinionated enough, and didn't take care of the honey-do's right away. They went to couple's counselling, and after not making much progress, the counselor suggested they separate. Now after 2 months of hardly talking and seeing each other, she wants a divorce.

    My cousin is devastated. He still loves her a lot, and wants to stay married, but is almost convinced that she will not reconsider, and will go along if that's what'll make her happy.

    Talking to his wife, she's can't say anything really bad about him other than he's not aggressive, "man" enough. When I asked why she never brought up any issues during their first 7 years together, she said it's because she didn't want to come across as a bitch.

    The cousins are doing what we can to talk her out of it, but she seems pretty determined to get a divorce. It's pretty clear that both of them are avoiders, appeasing or avoiding difficult conversations in order to keep the peace.

    From the thread title, I'm pissed at the counselor because I think separating was the wrong thing to do in their circumstance. There was no physical abuse, they weren't really arguing either. Like I said in the previous paragraph, both of them avoid conflicts, and instead of talking and working out their differences, she wants to call it off completely, and he's going along with it.

    Any of you have suggestions? It kills me to see my cousin so depressed like this.

  2. #2
    Sounds like there is someone else.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by aleon View Post
    Sounds like there is someone else.
    Agreed. But even if not, maybe the therapist is right. Keeping people (especially people w/o kids) married isn't really the goal. The goal, I would imagine, is to help them be as happy as they can be for the rest of their lives, which is a long, long time. I think she has probably been damn clear with the therapist. She's thought about it, she does not love him and doubts she ever will. Even if there is not another man (which there probably is) she wants there to be one, and she wants him to have the attributes she claims her husband does not have, and never will.

    The therapist is probably right. And 5 years from now your cousin may agree.
    Last edited by happy fun ball; 01-06-2011 at 07:48 PM. Reason: typo

  4. #4
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    therapy works best when both sides want to save the marriage ?

  5. #5
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    I've seen this situation play out before. There's nothing you guys can say to her to change her mind. She's going to be leave because she's afraid she's wasting her life. Simple as that.

  6. #6
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    Are you sure you want to get in the middle of all this?

    Hell, if my own brother told me he was considering divorce I'd listen to whatever it is he's saying & nod my head... but by & large, he's over 40 & a man; he can run his own affairs & unless he asks me for advice then I'd stay away.

  7. #7
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    If she wants out, best to let her go.

    I'd put good odds on her not finding lasting happiness.

    I feel sorry for the next woman who will have to deal with your cousin's new-found machismo.

    He should start by playing hardball with any divorce settlement since she's the instigator.

  8. #8
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    He's not opinionated enough? That sounds like someone looking for reasons to get divorced. That might be best for your cousin in the long run.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by NameAlreadyInUse View Post
    I've seen this situation play out before. There's nothing you guys can say to her to change her mind. She's going to be leave because she's afraid she's wasting her life. Simple as that.
    Sad but true...

  10. #10
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    I really need to see a few pictures of the wife to form my professional assessment.

  11. #11
    I agree with the consensus. She gone, he needs to move on as well. Just curious, how old is she?

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by zzzz View Post
    If she wants out, best to let her go.

    I'd put good odds on her not finding lasting happiness.

    I feel sorry for the next woman who will have to deal with your cousin's new-found machismo.

    He should start by playing hardball with any divorce settlement since she's the instigator.
    1234

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    A secondary issue is "separation". Does anyone who separates really get back together? Ever? "Separation" to me sounds like "I wanna $#@! around and do everyone and everything before I dump your ass".

    Once I hear "separation" I just hear "figuring out what to do without your miserable ass around before we split up for good." Except for dire cases of danger (i.e. spousal abuse, etc.) I don't see "separation" as being anything but "$#@! off - permanently".

    Anyone had different experiences with it? Otherwise separation = divorce without the divorce. No one I know's come back from it, at most for long.

  15. #15
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    No husband in the world takes care of honey-do's fast enough. If she's using that as an excuse then see above - she just wants out.

    Saying he's not man enough is a character issue. People rarely change their character, imo. If she's not down with who he really is, as opposed to some concept of him she has in her mind, then they're $#@!ed.

    Sucks for your cousin.

  16. #16
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    he needs to go into divorce mode ASAP. she could be running up credit cards, go out and buy a new car, move around retirement funds and such

    week after his divorce, he needs to take a trip to a prostitution friendly country and find himself a nice 21 yo 'date'

  17. #17
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    she's weak and wants to be divorced. the guy needs to let her go and tell her to go $#@! herself and never speak with her again.

  18. #18
    He should show her the back of his hand. Then $#@! her in the ass. Then leave her bitch ass. All this after growing some balls.

  19. #19
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    if he is being true to himself and she's not satisfied with that, then she is not the woman for him.

    let him know that if she can't appreciate his good character then there are thousands of other women out there who certainly will.

  20. #20
    If she thinks he is not assertive enough previously, this will only reinforce that opinion if he tries to hang on. She has made up her mind and the best thing he can do is move on. Otherwise he will come across as groveling, which will only reinforce her feelings.
    Last edited by EuroHorn; 01-06-2011 at 10:03 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Massive Horn View Post
    He should show her the back of his hand. Then $#@! her in the ass. Then leave her bitch ass. All this after growing some balls.
    Then he should go find a chick that looks just like her, and $#@! her, and then dump her.

  23. #23
    I agree that "he is not man enough" = "I have found another man." Even in the unlikely event she has not actually had an affair yet, there is some man that is influencing her change of heart in the way she feels about her husband.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by UTEX90 View Post
    I agree that "he is not man enough" = "I have found another man." Even in the unlikely event she has not actually had an affair yet, there is some man that is influencing her change of heart in the way she feels about her husband.
    Is she maybe a Twilight Saga fan?

  25. #25
    Quote Originally Posted by Rick Simon - S&S PI, Inc View Post
    Is she maybe a Twilight Saga fan?
    Not getting this reference.

    I would also add that in my experience separation is never a solution to marital problems. I would suspect the counselor knows this but I would not hang all my concern on her. If this was going to happen better now than after a kid or two.

  26. #26
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    I agree with everyone saying that she has been $#@!ing around with someone. Sounds a lot like my situation...everything was hunky dorry, both had good jobs, everyone thought we were really happy....boom, she lost her job, i started paying for more and more, she staying at home bitching at me when I came from work cause I didn't put in as much effort to clean the house, she found someone on the side...blah...blah...blah...same story, different book.

    $#@! em...tell him to move on, move his money to a safe location.

  27. #27
    After a certain amount of time trying to get couples to get closer and work on the issues, and if the couple is making no progress, then yes, the counselor should help the couple explore whether it is time to separate.

    Your post isn't clear how long they went to counseling or what the frequency was, but if "9 months ago, she started saying she was unhappy, ................ They went to couple's counselling, and after not making much progress, .......... Now after 2 months of hardly talking and seeing each other" it sounds like several months, up to 7 months of counseling?

    Even after a couple months of counseling, if it ain't gonna last, why keep beating a dead horse?

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by aleon View Post
    Sounds like there is someone else.
    That was my first thought as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Rick Simon - S&S PI, Inc View Post
    I really need to see a few pictures of the wife to form my professional assessment.
    Other than a pair of radar ears, which she hides REALLY well, she is pretty smokin'.

    Quote Originally Posted by NameAlreadyInUse View Post
    I've seen this situation play out before. There's nothing you guys can say to her to change her mind. She's going to be leave because she's afraid she's wasting her life. Simple as that.
    Funny you should say this. She mentioned "Eat, Pray, Love" several times when we had her over for dinner/chat. Maybe her recently finding out that her parents have been unhappily married also jaded her to the whole notion of marriage. When I asked her, she didn't say she didn't want to be married to my cousin. She said she didn't want to be married, period.

    Quote Originally Posted by Meursault View Post
    I agree with the consensus. She gone, he needs to move on as well. Just curious, how old is she?
    Early 30s. Maybe 32 or so.

    Quote Originally Posted by tx 3 putt View Post
    he needs to go into divorce mode ASAP. she could be running up credit cards, go out and buy a new car, move around retirement funds and such
    I don't think she's the type to screw people over. When they "decided" to separate, she asked if he could stay with friends/family so they wouldn't have to spend money on rent. He was the one who kicked her out. I think he kinda screwed the pooch here, because what was supposed to be a very short-term separation became a lot more permanent when she rented a place.

    Quote Originally Posted by Traffic View Post
    if he is being true to himself and she's not satisfied with that, then she is not the woman for him.

    let him know that if she can't appreciate his good character then there are thousands of other women out there who certainly will.
    True. Up 'til now, we've been encouraging them to get back together, and we'll try a bit more. But the way things are going, it looks like they'll start the divorce proceedings later this month. As for my cousin, he's a pretty good guy all around, but not without flaws. But who's perfect anyway?
    Last edited by Superhero; 01-06-2011 at 10:42 PM.

  29. #29
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    What is your interest in keeping them together? It sounds like a very unhappy marriage.

  30. #30
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    therapist ain't a portmanteau of the rapist for nothin

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pimphand View Post
    therapist ain't a portmanteau of the rapist for nothin
    Brilliant.

  32. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pimphand View Post
    therapist ain't a portmanteau of the rapist for nothin
    Point the First: The bitch is unhappy and doesn't want to be married. That is, in theory, her reasonable right and your cousin should be respectful of this and let her walk. He should then proceed to do what makes him happiest, whatever that might be. It sucks from an emotional vantage point, but, human behavior is one of the hardest things to predict and control. IMHO, that's why there are so few happy marriages and great companies.

    Point the Second: 'Therapist' is not a portmanteau. If you are referring to The Rapist, it is just a compound word. 'Thapist' would be the portmanteau of The Rapist. I've noticed that since it was featured in my word of the day email (which, presumably, a lot of shaggers subscribe to as well) there has been an increase in the littering of 'Portmanteau' on these fair boards.

    I ain't sayin', I'm just sayin'.
    Last edited by CutTheCrackJack; 01-06-2011 at 11:45 PM. Reason: I'm sayin!

  33. #33
    Custom Titled happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball grows his own roses happy fun ball's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CutTheCrackJack View Post
    Point the First: The bitch is unhappy and doesn't want to be married. That is, in theory, her reasonable right and your cousin should be respectful of this and let her walk. He should then proceed to do what makes him happiest, whatever that might be. It sucks from an emotional vantage point, but, human behavior is one of the hardest things to predict and control. IMHO, that's why there are so few happy marriages and great companies.

    Point the Second: 'Therapist' is not a portmanteau. If you are referring to The Rapist, it is just a compound word. 'Thapist' would be the portmanteau of The Rapist. I've noticed that since it was featured in my word of the day email (which, presumably, a lot of shaggers subscribe to as well) there has been an increase in the littering of 'Portmanteau' on these fair boards.

    I ain't sayin', I'm just sayin'.
    Wussy.

  34. #34

  35. #35
    Duke of New York Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Superhero View Post
    I don't think she's the type to screw people over. When they "decided" to separate, she asked if he could stay with friends/family so they wouldn't have to spend money on rent. He was the one who kicked her out. I think he kinda screwed the pooch here, because what was supposed to be a very short-term separation became a lot more permanent when she rented a place.
    There is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Something always ends up setting off the hate. My cousin and his first wife tried to have an amicable divorce. They didn't really hate each other, just realized that it wasn't working and they'd both be happier apart. Started out fine, she even still came over at Easter (about 2 months into the divorce). By the end, they were threatening to kill each other.

  36. #36
    asshat TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club TahoeHorn Shaggy Gold Club
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    I have no expertise here and no advice.

  37. #37
    asshat judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag's Avatar
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    There's always hope. Not saying that's the case here. But I went through the same thing with my wife 15 years ago when she decided to quit work and stay home after the birth of our first kid. I wasn't "ambitious" enough.

    So I got a new job, worked 60 hours a week, $#@!ed a hot bitch on the side, and she saw the light. Now we are still miserable but still together and that's pretty much life. We've raised a couple of really good kids.

    Bottom line is when she told me I wasn't man enough, I answered the challenge. Started earning 6 figures and banging hot chicks on the side. Then I told her she wasn't woman enough, and better step up her game.

  38. #38
    If she wants out, best to let her go.
    As a therapist myself, I doubt the actual therapist said "you should try separation." It was probably one idae brought up during the process, as many many things are during therapy. She likely grabbed on to that idea and went with it, and uses the therapist's "advice" to back up her own decisions and reasoning.

    As my favorite supervisor has told me, you can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed (and likewise, you can't stop someone who wants to be fixed).

  39. #39
    Duke of New York Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97 is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Hellraiser97's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by judge roybeanbag View Post
    There's always hope. Not saying that's the case here. But I went through the same thing with my wife 15 years ago when she decided to quit work and stay home after the birth of our first kid. I wasn't "ambitious" enough.

    So I got a new job, worked 60 hours a week, $#@!ed a hot bitch on the side, and she saw the light. Now we are still miserable but still together and that's pretty much life. We've raised a couple of really good kids.

    Bottom line is when she told me I wasn't man enough, I answered the challenge. Started earning 6 figures and banging hot chicks on the side. Then I told her she wasn't woman enough, and better step up her game.

    Still miserble? Where's the hope? And did she step up her game?

  40. #40
    Bottom line is when she told me I wasn't man enough, I answered the challenge. Started earning 6 figures and banging hot chicks on the side. Then I told her she wasn't woman enough, and better step up her game.
    Winner.

  41. #41
    asshat mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin is a rep whore. mycoxaphlopin's Avatar
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    I went to couples therapy with my ex for a month. Things didn't change. My ex had a private session with the therapist. One week later we seperated. 3-4 months later we were divorced.

    I agree with Tenacious that the therapist did not "tell" her to get a seperation. The therapist probably put the option out there and she went with it. Hell, she probably wanted it a long time ago but now has a reason to seperate.

    Things will be better in the long run.

  42. #42
    asshat Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares?
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    Still miserble? Where's the hope? And did she step up her game?
    well she's $#@!ing me now so I'd have to say yes.

  43. #43
    asshat Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper is a rep whore. Viper's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phdhorn View Post
    A secondary issue is "separation". Does anyone who separates really get back together? Ever? "Separation" to me sounds like "I wanna $#@! around and do everyone and everything before I dump your ass".

    Once I hear "separation" I just hear "figuring out what to do without your miserable ass around before we split up for good." Except for dire cases of danger (i.e. spousal abuse, etc.) I don't see "separation" as being anything but "$#@! off - permanently".

    Anyone had different experiences with it? Otherwise separation = divorce without the divorce. No one I know's come back from it, at most for long.
    Tobias: You know, Lindsey, as a therapist, I have advised… [falls off the bed]
    …a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed, but free to explore extra-marital encounters.
    Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?
    Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but… but it might work for us.

  44. #44
    asshat judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacone Cap View Post
    well she's $#@!ing me now so I'd have to say yes.

    Clean sheets are in the hall closet by the guest bathroom. And be sure you don't $#@! with my alarm clock.

  45. #45
    asshat Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares?
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    and just to throw it out there....

    My ex gf had been married before and they went to a therapist for marriage counseling. The therapist agreed with the husband saying their marriage failures were her fault even after he was told that the husband likes to wear her underwear/bra/womens clothing AND when he cleans the house he has to do it in his french maids outfit. He's 6'6" 370. His issue was that she didn't put out for him. Nothing says "turn on" like taking your own bra off of your husband. He also had a $#@! cage. He wore it everywhere. She had to go get a key to unlock it every time anything was going to happen. He was married 2 months after the divorce to someone he met after the papers were filed.

    In summary, therapists have all the answers.

  46. #46
    asshat Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares? Bacone Cap is probably perfectly normal.  Probably. Maybe. Who cares?
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    Quote Originally Posted by judge roybeanbag View Post
    Clean sheets are in the hall closet by the guest bathroom. And be sure you don't $#@! with my alarm clock.
    Making the bed is for the wimmenz. Your alarm clock is safe. I don't understand the anime stickers you put all over it though.

  47. #47
    asshat bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. bernorange's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrewDevil View Post
    Marriage/monogamy is a pretty unnatural state of being. People are naturally self-interested... after a life of thinking only of "I," now there is no "I," there is only "we." Tough transition. ...
    Things (can) change a bit when you bring a life into the world.

  48. #48
    asshat Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero is probably pretty witty. or good at photoshop. or porn. Superhero's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fawnknutsen View Post
    What is your interest in keeping them together? It sounds like a very unhappy marriage.
    Personal interest? None. But I see my cousin AND his wife both absolutely miserable at this point. Him, because he wants her back. Her, because she's unhappy with the current situation and doesn't know what will make her happy again.

    I'm not trying to be prescriptive and telling them what to do. But as an observer, I'm seeing a glaring lack of communication between them. They, especially my cousin's wife, are avoiders, and not talking, trying to work through what seems like petty* issues pretty counter-intuitive. I'm trying to tear off their blinders so they can see a bigger picture.

    *I summarized their issues in my earlier posts. But to be specific, when I asked her what was it my cousin did or didn't do, she said:
    1. Left her sitting at a table with strangers at my older cousin's wedding.
    2. Didn't have the sprinklers in a timely fashion.
    3. Doesn't stand up to his older brother (who is an $#@!).
    From a 3rd person's perspective, those seem petty.

    Quote Originally Posted by Hellraiser97 View Post
    There is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Something always ends up setting off the hate. My cousin and his first wife tried to have an amicable divorce. They didn't really hate each other, just realized that it wasn't working and they'd both be happier apart. Started out fine, she even still came over at Easter (about 2 months into the divorce). By the end, they were threatening to kill each other.
    Totally agree. I can see the frustration and anger building up in my cousin because he feels helpless, as if she is holding all the cards at this point. He's already talking about banging other chicks before the divorce is final because he thinks that's the one way to get back in control / get back at her.


    Quote Originally Posted by TenaciousTgarden
    As my favorite supervisor has told me, you can't fix someone that doesn't want to be fixed (and likewise, you can't stop someone who wants to be fixed).
    Agree here as well. I started anger management counseling last year and it's helped my marriage a LOT. The wife and I still argue at times, but the frequency and severity have dropped. Eventually I'd like my wife to go as well because she has some issues of her own, but I think it's been good that I'm flying solo on this because only I get the information, I get to process it, and I get to do something about it without thinking "Hmm... she heard the same thing, why isn't she starting? Why is it always my responsibility?".

  49. #49
    If you have to to see a marriage counselor, your marriage is pretty much over right there. The happiest married couples I know are a pefect mixture of sadist/masochist. People that like making people miserable and people that like being miserable. The next happiest couples I know all $#@! around.

  50. #50
    asshat judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag GORN judge roybeanbag's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bacone Cap View Post
    Making the bed is for the wimmenz. Your alarm clock is safe. I don't understand the anime stickers you put all over it though.
    Those aren't stickers, they're targets.

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